MTV Awards (AKA- Two Hours of Fuckness)

Well, the MTV movie awards aired last night, and like any half wit, I watched them. Here are my thoughts:

Andy Samberg: Tolerable host. But his material works better on SNL. I imagine him to not be funny anywhere else.

Eminem: Overrated and unnecessary to life. Complete d-bag.

Twilight: The worst thing ever in life.

Jonah Hill: I can’t figure out why he is popular. Not that I don’t like him, I just dont get it.

Robert Pattinson: He won “Best Breakthrough Male” over Dev Patel of “Slumdog Millionaire.” That should tell you everything.

Paris Hilton’s My New BFF: Really? Who actually wants to be her friend? I'll watch though, whatever. I don't really get these previews. There's nothing cohesive about them.

Megan Fox: As untalented, cold and bone chillingly boring as ever.

Twilight: This movie, WHAT IS HAPPENING? Yes? It just won its 9th award. Are 12-year-old girls voting for this? Oh wait they are. Seriously, every time Twilight won an award, it sounded like a chorus of children getting their souls harvested by some sort of demon.

Something awesomely strange just happened: Sasha Baron Cohen, doing Bruno, just landed his bare ass on Eminem’s face during a stunt that may or may not have been planned. Eminem then yelled “Are you fucking serious!?” before running out like a bitch.

Twilight: SUCKS. I can’t stress this enough.

Hayden Panettiere: She just rapped or something with “Big Pak,” a very poorly thought out commercial for Orbitz gum. I don’t know, but I think she should be embarrassed.

Jim Carrey showed up. I like him.

Kristen Stewart won “Best Female Performance.” Really? REALLY? Watching her act is like watching a mouse slowly get devoured by a snake. She looks awkward and uncomfortable, ALL THE TIME. Use a comb or something. And enunciate, for fucks sake.

Ben Stiller got roasted by Zac Efron, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, and Keifer Sutherland: I only like one of them, and it's a fucking rubber dog puppet that pretends to smoke cigars.

Twilight: Seriously, I got ocular cancer from watching the “exclusive” clip from the new movie. Holy eff, these movies suck, our future generation is fucking doomed if “Twilight” is the new standard for films.

WHY DOES TWILIGHT EXIST!?!?!?

I stopped watching around the two hour mark. Honestly, I can’t take any more of this. I’d rather watch that guy get shot for giving abortions again than have to sit through any more of this.