Top 20 Big Brother Houseguests

Big Brother 11 starts in just two weeks, so I thought I'd take a look back through the first ten seasons and rank my 20 favorite Big Brother housguests. You wont see Dick of Daniele from season 9 on here...promise.


20. Shelia


19. Erika


18. Rachel

17. Jase

16. Jack


15. Amy


14. Libra


13. Alison


12. Karen


11. Kaysar


10. Danielle


9. Jen


8. Marcellas


7. Jun


6. Nicole


5. Renny


4. Monica


3. Janelle


2. Will


1. Dan

Top 20 Michael Jackson Songs

1. Man In The Mirror

2. Black Or White

3. PYT

4. The Way You Make Me Feel

5. Human Nature

6. Remember The Time

7. Dirty Diana

8. I Can't Help It

9. Smooth Criminal

10. Thriller

11. Billie Jean

12. Will You Be There

13. I Just Cant Stop Loving You

14. Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'

15. Who Is It

16. Bad

17. The Girl Is Mine

18. Leave Me Alone

19. Give In To Me

20. Beat It

My Email to London Grill

My former employer, London Grill, which I worked for as a busser for a few months, recently posted an add on Craigslist. This was my response.

Your chef is a fucking asshole. I worked there as a busser for about 2 months and heard nothing but disrespect from him to other employees. All he does is yell and talk down to people.

Also, your add sucks. Who the fuck are you gonna hire with an add like that? It's pretentious and unnecessarily rude. You dont automatically talk down to people BEFORE you even know them, which is exactly what your add does.

Your food is great, but your chef and most of your employees are a bunch of moronic dickheads. Probably because you advertise like this, with such negativity, that all you get are people who are naturally negative.

DO NOT apply if:
you don't know what confit is.- who the fuck really knows what confit is?
you can't fillet a fish.- understandable.
you haven't worked in an innovative kitchen for at least 6 months.- innovative is pushing it for London Grill..just sayin'.
you don't know what temp the fridge should be. - understandable again.
you can't think on your feet. - who would really say no to this?
you haven't looked at our menu. - cause your menu is so fucking special.

Good luck, and good fucking riddance.

Some Movies I'm Looking Forward To

The Time Traveler's Wife




Shutter Island




Julie and Julia




The Box




District 9




500 Days of Summer




Where The Wild Things Are

Taylor Swift and T Pain- Thug Story

Speaks for itself.

My Favorite Michael Jackson Song

I thought I'd stop being bitter for five minutes and post what I believe to be the best song of Michael Jackson's career. Enjoy.

Top 15 Beyonce Songs

In light of the most talented person of my generation (Beyonce's) upcoming concert this Friday, which I'm precumming over already. I'd like to share my list of her top 15 songs.


15. Broken Hearted Girl/Baby Boy

14. DeJa Vu

13. Diva

12. Ring The Alarm

11. Irreplaceable

10. If I Were a Boy

9. That's How You Like It

8. Naughty Girl

7. Scared of Lonely

6. Me, Myself and I

5. Ego

4. Crazy In Love

3. Get Me Bodied

2. Single Ladies


1. Smash Into You

Sarah Palin (And Her Daughter) Can Suck My Balls

David Letterman finally apologized to Sarah Palin for saying her daughter got knocked up by some wife beating basketball player. Guess what? Nobody should want or need any form of acceptance from Sarah Palin. The fact that investors in the Late Show (Embassay Suites) were considering pulling their commercials from the show is absolutely absurd and childish. What's even more absurd and childish is some people calling for Letterman to actually be FIRED. What.the.fuck is wrong with these people?

Everything is wrong with these people. These people are the people who fuck up this entire country. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing should have come of this joke. Sarah Palin demands an apology? So the fuck what? Who the hell is she even? Nobody deserves any sort of apology for anything. You are going to run for vice president, pimp out your pregnant daughter, then expect to not have jokes said about you? Where the hell have you even been?

Try getting back in the spotlight for a valid reason, instead of continuously looking to seek out D list celebrity wanna-be ways to get your name out there.

What people really need to think about is why the fuck there are so many people who called for Letterman to be fired. They claimed it was disrespectful to Sarah Palin and her family. SO WHAT. Thats life you fucking half wit. Nobody owes or deserves anything. Disrespect is part of the game, especially when you're a politician.

Imagine the same joke with a different name, maybe Paris Hilton, or Lindsay Lohan. Would anyone then be calling for the firing of Letterman. Would sponsors really want to pull their adds? Would right wing conservatives demand an apology and say it was an insult to family values. Sarah Palin's daughter is not above a "crude" joke, politicians daughter or not. You are no better than Paris Hilton's sex tape or Lindsday Lohans pussy photos. Just because the media wants to glamorize your pregnancy and pretend like you are mature enough to have a baby, doesn't mean you are any more or less of any knocked up 17 year old across the world.

You wanna talk disrespect, how bout your stance on "family values." Which you claim was so insulted by David Letterman. What's insulting and disrespectul is your said stance support on prohibiting gay marriage and prohibiting the allowance of gay couples to adopt children. Not to mention your stance that sex education shouldn't be taught in schools. Lets face is Palin, your dumbass daughter who cant figure out what condoms are would 1)clearly have benefited learning about condoms in high school and 2) Clearly have been much better off giving up her kid for adoption.

Because listen Palin's, if you expect an apology from the world whenever someone says something a little "off color" about your family, you REALLY have another thing coming. YOU should be apologizing to not only David Letterman, but to the entire country for 1) jeopardizing all democrazy in the United States 2) being a poor excuse of a woman and 3) for being a huge fucking dumbass.

Lisa Lavie- The Most Talented Person On Youtube

Here, proving that Miley Cyrus does, in fact, suck dick. And that a person from youtube can sing your own song better than you.



Singing Bleeding Love, possibly singing better than Leona Lewis.



And lastly, singing Alicia Keys No One even better than her. Wait for the chorus. Why isn't this girl famous?

Top 20 TV Shows of My Lifetime

20. Daria

19. Rugrats

18. Battlestar Galactica

17. America's Next Top Model

16. Fresh Prince of Bel Air


15. Hey Arnold

14. My So Called Life

13. Hey Dude

12. Buffy The Vampire Slayer

11. Ally Mcbeal

10. The Comeback

9. Salute Your Shorts

8. Boston Public

7. Curb Your Enthusiasm

6. Lost

5. Everwood

4. Felicity

3. Are You Afraid Of The Dark

2. Six Feet Under

1. Seinfeld

Beyonce "Ego" Video

Welp, for me, this is the first absolute fuck-up on Beyonce's part in her entire musical career. The song is fantastic and one of her best, but this video is rubbish. It's basically the poor man's single ladies. You call this creative? This video is a joke. Yea, she looks great and she can move. But why is every up tempo song of her's basically just a performance piece? It's done in the exact same way as Single Ladies (which you can't do again.) The video shouldn't be in black and white like Single Ladies, If I Were a Boy and Diva. It's redundant. We get if there's supposed to be a theme, but releasing a video that is so similar to your previous singles off the same album is just stupid and lazy.

The piano is prominent in this song and the video should have reflected that. It should have included a piano. Someone should have been playing the piano while you were singing. It should have been less "fierce" and more "fun." It's a fun song, not a Single Ladies fierce type anthem. There should be less choregraphy and more improv type dancing (if there needed to be dancing at all.) It's basically just a complete mess.

Song... A
Video...F

Top 15 Taylor Swift Songs

1. Tim McGraw



2. Breathe

3. Love Story

4. Mary's Song

5. Fearless

6. The Way I Loved You

7. The Outside

8. Cold As You

9. Forever and Always

10. White Horse

11. Teardrops On My Guitar

12. Change

13. Picture To Burn

14. Tell My Why

15. I'm Only Me When I'm With You

Lost Season 6 Wishlist

Lost is the most ridiculously addicting show I've ever experienced. However, it's also the most ridiculously confusing and messed up. We've had 4 seasons of all out questions. One season of some answers and more questions. And now we're heading into the sixth, and final, season of this show. The following are things that absolutely must happen on Lost's next and final season in order to have a decently fulfilling experience. If they don't, I will be fucking pissed and let down. These are in no particular order.

1. The Identities of Adam and Eve revealed: They've only appeared in one episode in season one, but I've always wondered about them. It would a nice nod to continuity.

2. The Whispers explained: Another island mystery that I’d like to see resolved.

3. More cool episode titles: A little silly on my part, but I've liked season five titles. Thinking about, the premier should be titled It Only Ends Once, and the series finale should be titled See You in Another Life. Cmon, that shit is genius.

4. Statue revealed: Who built it? How long has it been there?

5. Kate dies: but only after she finds Claire: Or is otherwise eliminated from the show à la Claire or Michael, pre freighter. Don't care why or how. I just want that character gone. Okay so maybe she can live. But I fucking hate her.

6. Juliet lives: And she and James/Sawyer sail off into the sunset together and live happily ever after.

7. Sun and Jin reunited at last: For obvious reasons.

8. Aaron and Claire (and her mum) reunited: Along with an explanation as to what EXACTLY happened to Claire.

9. NO MORE new characters: Season 6 needs to focus on the original Losties. The only people who arent part of the original Losties they should focus on are Whidmore, Jacob and Richard.

10. Desmond and Penny need a happy ending: I always felt like their love story was the best on this show. The moment when Penny looked over her boat at the end of last season to see Desmond, was seriously breathtaking. Which is something no other lost couple has managed to pull off. (Other than Sun and Jin, who will obviously have a happy ending.)

11. Original losties: Give them extreme relevance again. The reason this season (Season 5) was my least favorite is because it was so ridiculously plot driven. I want character driven episodes focused on our original losties that tie in their importance and history of the island. If they are so special, we better see why. Season 6 has the potential to be amazing. You can’t just say they're special. The only way this is gonna happen for me, is if the original losties are involved with the direct reasoning and endgame for the island.

12. SOME HAPPY ENDINGS! Christ and a half, WHY cant there be a happy ending on this show? Daniel spent his whole life being set up by his mother so she could kill him. Locke wasn’t really special at all and died in that hotel room. Heartbroken, bloody and all alone, Juliet died in that hole. I want Juliet reunited with her sister. Sun/Jin reunited. Des and Penny to be happy with their son. Claire raises Aaron and Kate and Jack maybe have some part in their lives. Whatever. A HAPPY ENDING FOR SOMEONE!

13. Explain EXACTLY what the others were and why they wanted children. I feel like this is a big one that just sort of slipped through the cracks over time. I'd like to see just what was so damn special about Walt. I think he should have some significance in season 6.

14. Bring back all the dead characters that fans actually liked. I don’t mean bring them back to life (well maybe) But it’d be nice to see Boone, Shannon, Eko and Libby again somehow. However, keep the unlikable and unnecessary dead, dead (Ana Lucia).

15. A larger dose of Sun/Jin and Rose/Bernard.

16. We need to see the temple and why its so special. It better be a good reason. We've been hearing about it forever.

17. There's one scene that they've been building towards since the very beginning of the show, and I'm pretty sure it has the potential to be the best scene of the entire series, even though Jack sucks, and that is…Jack meets Christian on the Island. This would be nuts.

18. Real Locke better not be really dead. And if for some reason he is, he better be mourned to an extreme. Locke has been the spiritual backbone of this entire series and for him to just go out the way he did is absurd.

19. Jacob’s supposed cabin. Wtf is it and why does it move?

20. The numbers. Their exact meaning and why they are significant.

21. The smoke monster. Duh. We just need a complete explanation that isn’t ridiculous. Something believable.

22. What exactly is Frank a possible candidate for?

23. No more love triangle. Leave Sawyer alone.

24. Please reunite all the Losties. I don’t want to spend half the season with one group and half the season with the next. Get them all back together quickly.

25. What is the significance of the black rock?

26. If Kate isn’t going to die, then let her at least be alone for a while. Get back to your mission of finding Claire. Find her, then redeem yourself by dying. Follow through with her promise and focus on finding Claire and reuniting her with Aaron. Stop worrying about who you love more and be honorable for a change, Freckles! Also, if she has to wind up with someone, make it Jack. Matching her up with Sawyer would be cruel and insulting to Juliet's memory. She and Sawyer share a criminal past and sense of humor, so let them be friends. But do NOT put them together romantically. I want Kate to be the one to find Claire, not Jack. It's her mission, after all, and an unselfish decision she made all by herself that for once is not about her love life, and not about her. I know she's far from the most popular character but I really want her to carry out and focus on her agenda completely. Hell, any redemption she can get, she should take, she needs it, and she needs to earn it by herself. And I'm curious to see how Claire will be returning.

27. Origins and explanations. Of the island, the Black Rock (how Jacob was able to draw it to the island, how it got so far inland), the statue, Smokey, the whispers, the Numbers, the Frozen Donkey Wheel, the Others, and the ancient civilization that predates the Others.

28. Find some way for the real Locke to have a happy and triumphant ending. No "being-manipulated-and-strangled-while-being-sad-and-lonely" crap. We have been told Locke is special and meant to be a leader for five seasons. Anything less than that would be a cop out.

29. Jack and Claire to meet and acknowledge their relationship as brother and sister.

30. Sayid needs to survive and be an integral player.

31. How are Whidmore and Alvar Hanso connected?

32. I want Ben to die. I feel like his story arc is completely done. His death would really be the only one I’d actually hope for. Not that I don’t like him, but it would just work for me.

33. Whidmore and Richard flashback eps. What exactly is the nature/full story on Widmore and Ellie? Who is Penny's mom (or does it even matter)? Who ordered the purge? Was there more to Widmore's exile than we actually saw? I guess it can be argued that the introduction of Jacob and BSG shows that these questions are no longer important: Ben, Ellie, Widmore, et al are all just pawns. But, seriously, we’ve spent 5 years getting this history. It has to matter, right?

And lastly, I want the “just” and “satisfying” ending the writers have been talking about for years. You said you knew what you were doing all along. And while I don’t necessarily believe you knew everything. I do believe you had a definitive end in mind. So it better be executed fucking brilliantly. I don’t want a completely happy ending, but I REALLY don’t want an all out bleak one either. Bittersweet would be nice. I see characters like Sayid and Ben dying (even though I love them.) I feel like Sayid will make some sacrifice. Cause he really has nothing to live for at this point. Killing him would almost BE his happy ending. Ben will do something similar. Juliet is alive and will live a happy life with Sawyer. Juliet has a daughter and names her Rose. Sawyer will find his daughter and raise her. Juliet will find her sister and they’ll all be a big happy family. Jack and Kate will be together (if she doesn’t die). Claire will be raising Aaron or something. Hurley is happy, Sun and Jin are happy, Miles is happy. Locke is protector of the island or something. Whidmore has a good relationship with Des and Penny. And finally, Rose and Bernard live happily ever after, cancer free, on the island.

Top Dave Matthew's Band Songs

I'm not the biggest Dave Matthews Band fan. By no means do I declare myself one of those people (read: crazy pretentious people who think their music is better than everyone else's.) However, I do genuinely like their music and have all of their CD's. So, in light of their new release (which I still dont have.) I have decided to create my own list of my top 10 DMB songs...for no other reason than the fact that I like them the most. So, please, go download them.

10. Angel (Everyday)

9. The Space Between (Everyday)

8. Where Are You Going (Busted Stuff)

7. Crush (Before These Crowded Streets)

6. # 41 (Crash)

5. Ants Marching (Under The Table And Dreaming)

4. Two Step (Crash)

3. Grey Street (Busted Stuff)

2. Crash Into Me (Crash)

1. Stay (Before These Crowded Streets)

Summer's Guiltiest Pleasures...So Far

For years we've been conditioned to lower our TV expectations during the summer months, seeking out shows that we would never allow to clutter our TV's at any other time of year. But even though it's only early June, there's already an unusually high amount of truly addictive television - shows that we should be ashamed to watch, but aren't. Here's my top favorite guilty viewing pleasures of the summer so far.

1. I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here
I can't stand Speidi, but their on-again, off-again, will-they-or-won't-they antics does make for good TV, even if I feel a bit gross about admitting it. Spencer might have an over-inflated sense of self-worth (to say the least), but he's right in thinking he's the star of this show since things are about 75 percent less entertaining without him around. John Salley and his name-calling ways don't even come close to picking up the slack, though watching the pseudo-famous get nibbled on by rats and bitten by bullet ants in the name of "charity," while a person most famous for being an MTV VJ looks down his nose at them, does delight us to no end.

2. The Real Housewives of NJ
I dont even watch this, but my friend practically cums over it. These ladies seem absolutely bitter and nuts, and apparently some people are still hooked on the drama, especially after the whole revelation of Danielle's (a.k.a. Beverly's) secret past involving kidnapping, an arrest, drugs and stripping, which was all detailed nicely in a book...or so I'm told.

3. Real World/Road Rules Challenge
I barely even know which shows these people are from, and wI barely even remember the last Road Rules, and yet, I'm sucked in again by Duel 2. Maybe it's because there's always the chance of Big Easy having another near-death experience, or maybe it's because the actual challenges are so kick-ass that I secretly hope Survivor or Big Brother "borrows" some of them for their next season, or maybe it's because I can't help but feel super-intelligent watching these idiots, whose entire lives revolve around this franchise, trying (and failing) to do something as simple as spelling "throne."

4. Jon & Kate Plus 8
They're the worst parents alive. Hilarious! Honestly, I can't really explain why I enjoy watching this family self-destruct before my very eyes, but I am. It's shameful, I'm owning that, but there's no one I love screaming at through the television more than Jon and Kate Gosselin. And Kate's hair, of course, which is just satan on a head.

5. Charm School
I should feel guilty about watching this show, but I dont. However, this is admittedly a terrible spin-off of already horrifying series, and yet I stil love it. It has those entertaining famewhores (paired with the less-entertaining famewhores from Real Chance of Love) but lacks any real purpose. And all the good (read: insane) people keep quitting these shows instead of having the decency to wait to be eliminated. The shame.

6. Wipeout
Yes, I wasn't sold on this show when it first started, but somehow watching people bounce around on enormous red balls and into pools of water, while narrowly avoiding concussions, gets funnier the more times I see it. I'm actually genuinely upset when I miss it. The torturous obstacle course has only upped the insane ante this season, with more foam, more cannons and more opportunities for people to get hit in painful places for my viewing pleasure.

5 Kids Shows I'd Tolerate As Feature Films

They turned Transformers into a movie franchise; they turned Land of the Lost into a movie; they're turning Thundercats, Where's Waldo? and Stretch Armstrong into movies. Clearly, these things are just going to keep happening. Every single thing you remember from a past decade will be announced as a movie sooner or later. Slap wraps will be a movie. Girl Talk: The Next Zit Sticker will be a movie. Crystal Pepsi will be a movie. And you know what? I surrender! We might as well start preemptively embracing these things and hoping for the best before they're announced -- it lessens the blow that way. Here are five kid's shows you liked when you were younger that will inevitably be adapted into live action films, as well as some casting suggestions that we can hopefully all live with.

Hey Dude
Think about it: A slapstick Western starring Shia LaBeouf as Ted, Alison Lohman as Melody, Brittany Snow as rich bitch Brad(just dye her hair), Taylor Lautner as Indian Danny Lightfoot, Jay Baruchel as geeky Jake and HRG as Mr. Ernst. Just please keep Miley Cyrus away from it, and you've got my 10 bucks, Hollywood.

Are You Afraid of The Dark
I know, this wasn't a show with a cohesive storyline. But here's my take. We up the creep/adult factor just a little. The five or six characters get together every week to tell their ghost tales. However, this time, we realize all the characters are telling fantasized versions of what realistically happened as tragedies in their own lives, with a small coincidental tie to eachother, that none of them even realize. Like art therapy. This way, we aren't just getting random ghost stories. We are getting a cohesive story. The film can star like a shitload of people, because you'd be casting for each story. Each one will be about 25 minutes, thus creating a film full of stars.

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
It's actually always surprised me that no one has talked Angelina Jolie into being Carmen Sandiego for a paycheck yet. Love her or hate her, girl can work a trench. The movie will probably be some sort of cross with Spy Kids, where perhaps a family of geographically knowledgeable bounty hunters track her across the world after she steals like the Sphinx or Eiffel Tower or something. Actually, they may want to reduce the scale of her thievery to art or jewels for a more believable movie. Just a suggestion.

The Magic Schoolbus
The potential for a CG eyegasm here is tremendous, and we finally have the technology! Yay, the future is now! Jane Lynch will play Ms. Frizzle (previously voiced by Lily Tomlin in the cartoon series), Abigail Breslin will play bookworm Dorothy Ann, Jamie from One Tree Hill will play the field trip-hating Arnold and Wanda Sykes will voice the class pet lizard Liz.

Salute Your Shorts
I mean come on. The material is already there. A coming of age story about teenagers at a summer camp. Cast the same people listed for Hey Dude. Use similar stories from the series. Include all things awful waffle, capture the flag, Budnick, zeke the plumber. This shit would be golden if done right.

Where There's Smoke

This is genius.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/smoke_monster_from_lost_given_own?utm_source=EMTF_Onion

The Only Thing Gloomier Than Twilight? ABORTION!!!

The following is in response to the doctor who was murdered for giving abortions:

It seems like our entire country, if not world, has lost all sense of reasoning. Nothing is accomplished or set out in a reasonable way anymore. If we believe what the media tells us, there are only people on extreme ends of everything. The media gives us black and white answers to everything, but where most things fall is a grey area. According to the news, there is no in-between on anything. However, there is. The in-between is where all the logical people fall. The people who still have a sense of reasoning. Which is why 85% of the news is bullshit and illogical.

We're all wondering where everyone else went. What happened to all the smart people? People are so polarized on this issue (and plenty of other issues); either they are applauding this man for killing the doctor, or the ones on the other end are calling for the arrest of every single pro-life advocate in country. Where are the reasonable people? This man [the killer] was fucking sick in the head, and he killed someone. That’s it. You can’t applaud this death just because an ideology was different than yours, and you can’t just assume that every single person who opposes abortion has their hand on a trigger and ready to lay waste to people inside a planned parenthood. (Although I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they were.) Reason has taken a back seat in this country, and it has been replaced by morons with computers who can hide behind their twitter pages. (not that there's anything wrong with twitter pages.)

But really, do you know what the rest of the pro-life world is saying to you? I do, and it’s a resounding “Shut the fuck up. You are doing less for our cause than you realize. Now we, the peaceful protesters, are looked at with contempt and scorn because of you nutjobs.” Now look, I'm not really pro-life in the sense of how most people look at it. I think there's another underlying issue of hatred and ignorance that goes along with this. And the hard-core pro-lifers are to blame. However, that's a little off topic.

If Jesus Christ, who supposedly loved everyone, and who these people are supposedly modeling themselves after, was here, he would be embarrassed to have you as his “disciples”. You are disgusting people who are applauding a man’s death. A death at the hand of an insane person who is being viewed as a hero some people out there. Look in the mirror, you might see similarites to Al Queda...I said it.

And to the folks on the other end of the spectrum: Not all pro-life groups are extremist, if you want to call it that. Most are reasonable people who are disgusted by this act. A lot of pro-life advocates aren’t even considered to be conservative, by most standards.

For many, their only conservative streak is that they don’t like abortion, but then again, neither does anyone else. Nobody LIKES abortion. Nobody wakes up from bed on a bright and shiny morning and says aloud "wow, what a beautfiul day for an abortion." Nobody goes to the bar and says "ill have a vodka and abortion." And for that, isn’t everyone pro-life? Really, no one wants to kill babies. They just support a woman’s right to choose. In an ideal world, there would be no need for abortions. Proper education (a whole other issue) and a few brain cells can go a long way in limiting the number of 16-year-old girls who get knocked up by their 15-year-old boyfriend.


So nutcases, stop murdering to support your causes. It doesn’t matter what it is, or whose rights you think you are supporting. Murdering those who you don’t agree with is only going to make your cause appear to be weaker. It’s also called terrorism, by the way.

Besides, there are better ways to make your point: Have an open dialog, start a peaceful discussion, or start a heated discussion, whatever, but leave it at discussion, learn about each other. There is so much hate in this world, and that has proven to be completely ineffective and has gotten us all nowhere.

MTV Awards (AKA- Two Hours of Fuckness)

Well, the MTV movie awards aired last night, and like any half wit, I watched them. Here are my thoughts:

Andy Samberg: Tolerable host. But his material works better on SNL. I imagine him to not be funny anywhere else.

Eminem: Overrated and unnecessary to life. Complete d-bag.

Twilight: The worst thing ever in life.

Jonah Hill: I can’t figure out why he is popular. Not that I don’t like him, I just dont get it.

Robert Pattinson: He won “Best Breakthrough Male” over Dev Patel of “Slumdog Millionaire.” That should tell you everything.

Paris Hilton’s My New BFF: Really? Who actually wants to be her friend? I'll watch though, whatever. I don't really get these previews. There's nothing cohesive about them.

Megan Fox: As untalented, cold and bone chillingly boring as ever.

Twilight: This movie, WHAT IS HAPPENING? Yes? It just won its 9th award. Are 12-year-old girls voting for this? Oh wait they are. Seriously, every time Twilight won an award, it sounded like a chorus of children getting their souls harvested by some sort of demon.

Something awesomely strange just happened: Sasha Baron Cohen, doing Bruno, just landed his bare ass on Eminem’s face during a stunt that may or may not have been planned. Eminem then yelled “Are you fucking serious!?” before running out like a bitch.

Twilight: SUCKS. I can’t stress this enough.

Hayden Panettiere: She just rapped or something with “Big Pak,” a very poorly thought out commercial for Orbitz gum. I don’t know, but I think she should be embarrassed.

Jim Carrey showed up. I like him.

Kristen Stewart won “Best Female Performance.” Really? REALLY? Watching her act is like watching a mouse slowly get devoured by a snake. She looks awkward and uncomfortable, ALL THE TIME. Use a comb or something. And enunciate, for fucks sake.

Ben Stiller got roasted by Zac Efron, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, and Keifer Sutherland: I only like one of them, and it's a fucking rubber dog puppet that pretends to smoke cigars.

Twilight: Seriously, I got ocular cancer from watching the “exclusive” clip from the new movie. Holy eff, these movies suck, our future generation is fucking doomed if “Twilight” is the new standard for films.

WHY DOES TWILIGHT EXIST!?!?!?

I stopped watching around the two hour mark. Honestly, I can’t take any more of this. I’d rather watch that guy get shot for giving abortions again than have to sit through any more of this.

People I Hate For Stupid Reasons, But Valid In My Own World

Kristen Stewart- Because she is in Twilight
Eminem- Because he exists
Robert Pattison- Because he is in Twilight
Megan Fox- Because she exists and is untalented as ever.
Stephanie Meyer- Because she wrote Twilight
Paris Hilton- Again, the existing thing.
The Cast of Twilight- Because they are in Twilight
Hayden Panettiere- Because I was almost fooled for two whole years that she is possibly a decent actress. Alas, she is not. I watched Heroes and was misled.
The Director of Twilight- Because he is the director of Twilight

Ben Stiller- Because everyone thinks he is funny, and again, he is not.

The interns on the set of Twilight- Because they interned on the set of Twilight.

Blurb on The Hills Finale

As a viewer of the Hills. I never really watched with the impression that what I was watching is reality. I don't really understand people's criticism of this show when they say things like "but it's not even real." Well no fucking shit it's not real. Who cares? I always looked at it like any other scripted show on TV. Is it entertaining? Yes. Is it fun? Yes. Is it a guilty pleasure? Yes When you can remove all reality from "reality" shows...they become fun. This is why I always loved the Hills.

However, for it being Lauren's last ep. I mean cmon. It was nothing. There was no emotional sendoff. It was kind of just whatever. I mean personally I think Lauren feels like she is moving on to bigger and better things. And hopefully she is. Hopefully she can just build a career in fashion and not worry about these losers anymore or depend on reality TV. I mean, she doesn't need to become famous to be successful. Just stick to fashion and what you love doing. Forget the fame and please forget the mess of a human being that is Audrina. I want to know what Lauren's doing next, but not because she's on tv. I want to know because I honestly think she's a decently talented person (no, seriously) somewhat deserving of a career in the fashion industry. But please, just keep it off TV and maybe people will start taking her seriously.

Anyway, Kristen Cavawhatever. We'll see how she fares on this show. A Kristen, Audrina, Stephanie, Lo, Stacie, Heidi and Holly cast would actually be pretty sweet if you ask me. That shit will make good TV. Holly last night was hilarious. I mean what a fucking basketcase. I'll give it a chance. I'll know what I'm watching is, at the very least, prompted by producers. I'll watch, and have no shame doing so. So suck on that Hills haters. Here's to five awesome seasons.

Summer TV Preview

The following shows are returning this summer. Some are awful. Some I dont watch. And some are surprisingly decent.

Burn Notice (USA)
This supposed crime fighting series returns with it's gay-faced lead star playing a straight guy. For some reason everyone is buying it...I'm not.

Army Wives (Lifetime, or as I like to call it...shit)
For all three people who watch. As I like to call it...harpie wives propaganda for Republicans.

Denise Richards: It's Complicated (E)
It's not really though. You're just the worst kind of celebrity: delusional, boring and a fucking whorebag.

The Next Food Network Star (Food Network...duh)
Contestants compete to host their own show which will likely air 3Am on Saturdays. Unless they get lucky like the chubby dude at TGIF's. Still fun to watch though.

The Closer (TNT)
Nobody watches this? Oh ok.

Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D List (BRAVO)
The obnoxious and loud Kathy Griffin (who I idolize) is back with her addictive Emmy-winning reality show. Fucking love her.

True Blood (HBO)
Vampires abound. I've never seen it, but it looks fun. If you're into Twilight, you should check this out, then go get some taste. (Any excuse to bash Twilight)

Saving Grace (TNT)
Nobody really watches this either? Oh...sorry.

The Secret Life Of the American Teenager (ABCFAM)
Or as I like to call it...another show that's not nearly as interesting as my own teen years.

America's Got Talent (NBC)
And plenty of stupid people who watch shit like this.

The Real World: Cancun (MTV)
Okay, I still like the Real World, whatever, it's like an old friend. But please be better than last season's snoozefest.

Entourage (HBO)
For some reason Lil Wayne is now infecting his disgustingness on this show.

Big Brother (CBS)
If it's anything like last season (the best season ever) it'll be fucking genius. Or it could be a house filled with Dick and Danielle (Season 9) in which case my TV will be thrown out the window.

Hells Kitchen (FOX)
Whatever, the guy yells at people. So what. Put me in a kitchen with morons, give me a tv show, pay me millions to be a total douche, see what happens.

The Moment of Truth (FOX)
Or as I like to call it, the moment tv completely stepped over the line.

Mad Men (AMC)
I've never seen, but everyone seems to cum over it. I'll take their word.

America's Best Dance Crew (MTV)
A show I actually have nothing bad to say about. A showcase for true talent if there ever was one.

Project Runway (Lifetime)
Do I even get this network? I hope I do now.

Monk (USA or TBS or TNT or something)
This show needs to end.