Tyra Banks Is Ridiculous

Look, I used to love Tyra, and am still sort of fascinated by how ridiculously unaware she is of herself. I mean Christ, I dressed up as her for Halloween last year. But Tyra Banks recently sat down for an interview with almost-corpse Larry King.  I should take a Larry/Tyra combo any night as a sleep aid.  The only thing that could make this interview more boring would be if the interview took place on a split screen with paint drying on the other side of the TV.  Needless to say, I watched the entire thing because sometimes I like to torture myself.  It's my version of cutting.  King got to the most important topic, which was Tyra's recent 'day without a weave.'  She said she felt it was her "responsibility to show as much of my real hair as possible," and said removing her weave represented a political statement for black women.  No, it didn't. There's nothing political about a weave.  It's just fake hair. How unaware of yourself could you possibly be to think your own hair could make a fucking statement about anything. Michelle Obama…that's a political statement for black women.  Tyra taking off her weave is just a statement of what Tyra looks like without a weave.  You can't take off your fake hair on national television and call it brave, unless of course you recently lost your real hair in a wildfire or something.

Jennifer's Body

I couldn't stand Juno. Let that be said. I think Jennifer's Body is far better. Juno was over-rated and boring and brought nothing to the table. This just needs to be said 1. so everyone knows I'm not a Diablo Cody fanboy and 2. because any reason to bash stuff I don't like is valid enough to bash it. On to the review.

This is the story of two teenage best friends, Jennifer (Megan Fox) and Needy (Mamma Mia’s Amanda Seyfried). They are like a real-life version of Betty and Veronica; Jennifer is brunette, sultry, and man-bait, whereas Needy is blonde, pretty, and always in her friend’s shadow. One night, they go out to a dingy bar, supposedly to hear a band. Jennifer flirts openly with lead singer/guitarist Nikolai (Adam Brody). During the band’s first song, the bar catches fire, killing several people. Needy and Jennifer escape, but then Jennifer makes the bad decision to get inside the satanic band’s van. When she rematerializes the next day, she’s turned into a succubus who preys on male peers.

The joke, of course, is that she’s always preyed on male peers. The difference is that now she voraciously eats their flesh. It takes a while for Needy to catch on to what’s happening, and even longer to figure out a plan to stop it. Despite having a boyfriend, she secretly harbors some repressed sexual feelings for her friend, making her capable of falling under Jennifer’s spell too.

I remember girls like Jennifer from high school. They seemed to have everyone in their pocket, knowing how to get what they wanted and how to make others respond to them in exceedingly positive manners. Those same girls also had a tendency to use boys and throw them away. It’s never blatantly hammed into you, but Jennifer’s Body is something of a metaphor for that skill (or, if you prefer, dark art). Imagine a version of Mean Girls produced in Hell, and you will have some sense of the film’s tone. It's Heathers meets Scream. 

Jennifer knows the power she has over others, who are awed by her looks and/or presence. She knows the power is not only over boys, but over Needy as well. When you stop and think about it, that’s a scary skill for a teenage girl to have. It’s perhaps not the carnage that is the scariest thing here; maybe it’s the casualness with which Jennifer unleashes it. Her savagery is the thing that makes her most fearsome. Becoming a succubus only frees the demon that was already inside of her.

The movie could have explored its intriguing ideas in even more depth, but the point is to not ever go that deep anyway. Jennifer’s Body is still a better-than-average horror movie, and considerably smarter too. Several moments are genuinely creepy. Other moments are darkly funny. Cody’s script - under the director of Karyn Kusama, who brings a top-notch visual style - manages to combine those things into something that is a lot of wicked fun. 

The message: inside every adolescent girl is a figurative man-eater waiting to be unleashed. And inside every teen boy is a desire to be feasted on by the hottest girl in school. You can agree with that sentiment or not, but it may just define adolescent sexuality. If nothing else, it makes for a hell-raising good time at the movies.

B+

Why I Hate CSI, Law and Order and NCIS

The ridiculously popular NCIS has officially spun off into SoCal, with, really, a brilliantly awful cast. (Yes, I allow myself to use the phrase "brilliantly awful" and find is completely acceptable.) LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell are buddy cops who investigate crimes committed against military personnel, and the principal from Kindergarten Cop is their boss. That sentence alone should send any person with a decent gage of what makes a quality program running for Six Feet Under or Mad Men. I, unlike most people apparently, cannot stand formulaic stand-alone series such as this, Law and Order and CSI, and generally think it's not fun to watch self important people running around doing important things. But whatever, I watch the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, so you don't really need to listen to me.

The thing I don't get about these shows and its predecessors is...what is supposed to be appealing about the writing, other than the fact that it's very easy to grasp, particularly while not paying very close attention to the show. I thought the same thing while watching NCIS: Los Angeles the other night that I always do whenever I'm forced into the mediocrity that is Law and Order -- "This is fine, but predictable and formulaic and I should really be devoting my precious TV watching time to something better -- or something overtly awful, like The Hills." 

CSI, Law and Order and NCIS are not categorically bad shows by any means, but it's the mediocrity of them that just isn't exciting. I get the appeal of a show that you can just leave on and absent-mindedly watch, I suppose, and God knows I understand the appeal of LL Cool J, if you like tools. It's just that you can't expect me to get excited about anything that happened in last night's Los Angeles premiere. Of course the dead officer was just trying to protect his niece, of course the mother of the girl was hiding something, of course her weird dad was the one who kidnapped her, etc, etc. You people are solving a crime, here. On television. There's supposed to be some mystery, or you're just doing it wrong, and anyone who's ever watched any TV whatsoever in their lives before saw every one of these plot developments coming a mile away.

But the thing is...this is how it feels to watch literally EVERY.SINGLE.EPISODE of these type of shows. Like, how can one be entertained by the thought of repeating the same story line every single week? But just replacing the actors who play the "good guy" the "bad guy" the "victim" and the "accomplice. Its the SAME THING every single week. Blah. This stuff is just blah. I mean, I have no problem with people watching them. I just don't understand why anyone would choose to watch them over an actual really good show that has some character development and actual cohesive story. Oh well, I'll just stay baffled by their 18 plus million viewers each week. 

CSI, Law and Order and NCIS all get D's in my book.

A Shit Happens Look At Jennifer Aniston's Career

It's not that Jennifer Aniston has never participated in anything good, or that she is wholly untalented. Quite the contrary -- Friends had its moments, Office Space is the best, and The Good Girl was as close to a movie for grown-ups with moderately developed brains as she's apparently capable of accepting. She just tends to choose projects based on what will keep her famous, as opposed to ones that will keep us from rolling our eyes, and with the stupidly cloying Love Happens coming out soon, I thought I'd review some of her worst (and some okay) cinematic offenses so far. And there are many, but in an effort to be fair to the girl, I'm only counting things she did after Friends, when she actually had some control over her career, which means no Leprechaun jokes. Sorry, we all do things we're not proud of when we're broke, so she gets a free pass on that one. But everything else? Fair game.

The Bad

Marley and Me
It's a movie that presented itself as a feel-good family comedy but actually wanted to make you cry at Christmas so badly it killed a dog. In case you hadn't figured this out yourself, Marley & Me is happy to point out to you that life is a series of progressive disappointments, and then you have to do schmaltzy holiday films when you used to be Owen Wilson, guy who actually made movies people liked and respected, and then your dog dies. Happy holidays!

Along Came Polly

Diarrhea is bad for dates! Ferrets are bad for dates! Ben Stiller is NOT funny. This movie sucked.

Picture Perfect

The first of many "I'm a very desperate woman!" movies for Aniston, Picture Perfect is about a -- gasp! -- unmarried woman who is so hopeless in attracting Kevin Bacon that she hires a guy to pretend to love her in an attempt to make him so jealous that he marries her, despite being beautiful, successful and likely capable of attracting him on merit if she weren't so damn pathetic. And that brilliant plan? It doesn't even work.

Derailed

If you're fresh off the end of your immensely popular sitcom and trying to break out of the character America will irreversibly always see you as with a thriller, try not to pick the absolute worst screenplay in town. Even if it does have Clive Owen attached to it, it will still be terrible, and you will still be miscast.

Rumor Has It

You know how The Graduate was really good? This is like that, only terrible, and with Kevin Costner.

Rock Star

Weren't the '80s hilarious? Everyone had such ridiculous hair! So much so that there was an entire musical fad in which bands called "hair bands" had ridiculous hair whilst singing fairly loud songs! Think of that, and then add in every single pitfall of fame and small town loser dreams big cliché you can think of, and you've got the entire movie without even seeing it.

The Good

He's Just Not That Into You

Overall a good movie. But of course Jennifer Aniston plays very desperate woman who practically begs her boyfriend to marry her. 

The Break-Up

Men and women are so different, it's hysterical. Men like baseball and video games, and women like to do dishes and have unreasonable expectations. Often times that causes them to argue and stop dating each other, which can become even more complicated when there is real estate involved! At time just trite and childish, this movie is probably Jennifer Aniston's best.

The Object of My Affection

A pregnant New York social worker falls in love with her gay best friend, and decides she'd rather raise her child with him, than her own boyfriend. This is actually a pretty smart romantic comedy with a little twist.

Friends With Money

After she quits her lucrative job, Olivia finds herself unsure about her future and her relationships with her successful and wealthy friends. Boring at times, but a solid cast and solid writing make this one of Aniston's most ambitious films.

The Good Girl

Aniston plays a discount girl who strikes up an affair with a stock boy. Probably Aniston's best work of acting ever. If she did more roles and films like this, she would have been taken seriously as an actress.

Jordin Sparks - SOS

Jordin Sparks' new video for SOS. While the video and song don't make much sense, they're both still pretty good and completely different for her.

Video and song B+

Emmys 2009: Who Will Win? Who Should Win?

First- I have no idea why there are like 12 thousand nominees in each category. Apparently they changed the rules this year in order to make room for some under-rated (or undeserved) shows to sneak in. 

Outstanding Comedy Series

Entourage

Weeds

How I Met Your Mother

Flight of the Conchords

30 Rock

The Office

Family Guy

Will win: 30 Rock

Should win: The Office

Clearly I'm in the minority that The Office has only gotten better with age, seeing as die hard fans seem to think it's gotten worse. I'm just not seeing it. It's pretty much set in stone that 30 Rock will win this one. I mean, I like the show, but at times it's just really dull. And the supporting cast of The Office makes the supporting 30 Rock cast pale in comparison.

Outstanding Drama Series

Big Love

Dexter

House

Damages

Mad Men

Breaking Bad

Lost

Will win: Mad Men

Should win: Lost

Surprise surprise- I think Lost deserves to win this award. However, considering the season it's nominated for is my least favorite of the entire series, I'm a little surprised it got the nod this year. I guess the only thing less surprising than me thinking Lost should win, is that Mad Men actually will win. 

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Steve Carrell- The Office

Tony Shaloub- Monk

Jermaine Whatever- some show I dont give a fuck about

Jim Parsons- The Big bang Theory

Alec Baldwin- 30 Rock

Charlie Sheen- Two and Half Men

Will win: Alec Baldwin- 30 Rock

Should win: Steve Carrell- The Office

All these other actors besides Steve Carrell and Jim Parsons are interchangeable. However, the Emmy voters seem to premature ejaculate over Alec Baldwin.  Yea, he's good, but nobody compares to Steve Carrell on The Office.

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

Sarah Silverman- The Sarah Silverman Program

Mary Louise Parker- Weeds

Julia Louise Dreyfus- Old Christine

Toni Colette- United States of Tara

Christina Applegate- Samantha Who

Tina Fey- Liz Lemon

Will win: Tina Fey

Should win: Sarah Silverman

Once again, everyone loves some Tina Fey, I'm fine with that. But Sarah Silverman's irreverent and ridiculous portrayal of herself is just hilarious and more unique than any other nominee.

Best and Worst New Shows of the Fall

Best

Glee- Sept 9th on FOX.

This quirky musical comedy about a group of high school outcasts who band together to form a glee club already has legions of fans, as it did a sneak preview episode after juggernaut American Idol last May. I'm already hopelessly devoted to this show with its talented cast, hooky pop songs and offbeat sense of humor. Each little preview released only heightens my excitement and with Ryan Murphy (the man who created both Popular and Nip/Tuck) behind it, my hopes are pretty high. Having said that- this show's unnecessary amount of praise after just one airing is a little ridiculous.

The Beautiful Life- Sept 16th on The CW

Despite the off-screen problems with star Mischa Barton, (rehab, piche photos) this new CW show is shaping up to be one of my new addictive favorites of the fall. It's paired with Top Model on Wednesdays and offers up a fictionalized backstage look at the sleazy world of modeling. The pilot has some interesting twists and turns and even though High School Musical star Corbin Bleu is one of the male leads, he's far less irritating when his hair is toned completely down. At any rate, it's more fascinating and cleverly crafted than re-tread Melrose Place or 90210. 

Community- Sept 17th on NBC

Joel McHale (that guy from The Soup) plays a rich, smarmy lawyer who is sent back to community college to get a degree after the powers that be find out he weaseled his way into his job. Of course, he thinks the whole thing is a joke and immediately starts hitting on the only girl there and offends everyone else along the way with his slacker ways and entitled attitude. Big surprise, he comes around eventually (somewhat) and picks up a slew of oddball pals (including Chevy Chase!). It's 30 well-paced minutes and the supporting cast makes this show a fully enjoyable new offering. And get this...it actually looks funny.

The Good Wife- September 22nd on CBS

While the premiere episode of this is a little bit on the dry side, so I've heard, this show has oodles of potential with its ripped-from-the-headlines premise involving a corrupt politician getting caught with his pants down. Julianna Margulies means business here -- she's super bitter about her husband (played by the perfectly smarmy Chris Noth) being an ass and about having to go back to work in order to support her entire family. Strong acting, good concept and a decent script give this show our seal of approval, as long as they pick up the pacing as they go along.

Cougar Town- September 23rd on ABC

I didn't want to like this show on principle alone. Look at the name: Cougar Town? Annoying. Yet, the preview actually made me laugh several times. Maybe it's because Bill Lawrence (the guy who created Scrubs) came up with it, or maybe it's the fact that Courteney Cox will do pretty much anything for a laugh, or maybe it's the solid supporting cast (Christa Miller, Busy Phillips, Dan Byrd, Ian Gomez and Josh Hopkins) that makes it somehow work. Or maybe it's just that despite her pratfalls, Cox's truly desperate ex-wife is a more realistic and humorous portrayal of a divorcee trying to get on with her life than Desperate Housewives ever has been.

Modern Family- September 23rd on ABC

A "family" comedy that doesn't have an obnoxious laugh track or Kelsey Grammer? Sign me up. Especially since this show has some unique twists on the popular genre, with Jesse Tyler Ferguson (The Class) as part of a gay couple adopting a baby from Vietnam, his sister (Julie Bowen, Ed/Lost) as a working mom with two kids and their father (Ed O'Neill, Married With Children) who has remarried a much younger woman (Sofia Veraga, Dirty Sexy Money). It's got a lot going on, but the writers have successfully managed to balance this big ensemble and filled it with laugh-out-loud moments. Go check out the preview on Youtube...it's hilarious.

FlashForward- September 24th on ABC

This show seems like a desperate attempt to recreate the Lost phenomenon, with lots of intricate details that should keep fans guessing and rewatching episodes. But aside from that, it has an interesting premise: the entire human race suffers a blackout for two simultaneous minutes, during which each person gets a glimpse of their future. Will that future happen? Can they stop it? The cast has a good mix of big- and small-screen star power with Joseph Fiennes as the lead, supported by John Cho and the newly announced Dominic Monaghan. Plus Penny from Lost is on it, who I love. 

V- November 3rd on ABC

This is a remake of the '80s miniseries about lizard-like aliens in disguise with nefarious agendas, with Scott Wolf as a TV reporter, Elizabeth Mitchell as part of the human resistance and Morena Baccarin from Firefly as the alien leader. High-end special effects give it a modern look, and with some interesting parallels to current politics, it could be a welcome new take on older material. 

WORST

Melrose Place

The remake nobody wanted is upon us, and it is indeed terrible. First of all, aside from the awful, junior-league writing and community theater-level acting (Ashlee Simpson plays a secret villain!), it has one of those "hip" soundtracks that The CW loves to slap on its shows, turning them into jukebox power hours with Top 40 hit after Top 40 hit after slightly popular indie gem swapping over the actors speaking literally every 90 seconds. And as far as the pilot is concerned, the songs in it (all 60 of 'em!) were cleared early this year, so be prepared to be bombarded with the stalest assault of "hits" courtesy of Now! That's What I Call Music.

The Vampire Diaries

This probably looks the best of the worst. But part of my reasons for panning The Vampire Diaries is just vampire story fatigue, to be honest, and while it is kind of deliciously fun to watch Ian Somerhalder (Lost's Boone) play a cocky, evil vampire, this teen show doesn't really add anything new to the Twilight/True Blood table (though, to be fair, The Vampire Diaries novels predate both of those). No harm, no foul here, but I just can't get excited about another one of these so soon.

Accidentally On Purpose

Lots of cougar jokes in this sitcom about a 37-year-old film critic (Jenna Elfman) who has unprotected sex with a man in his twenties because she's subconsciously baby crazy and gets knocked up. Aside from that bang-up premise, the writing is painfully unoriginal and Elfman is goofy as ever, and though the guy who plays her much younger baby daddy actually seems to have potential, the writing isn't going to give him an opportunity to really shine. Oh, and Ugly Betty's Ashley Jensen seems to be functioning as a low rent Barney Stinson knock-off here, which works about as well as you'd imagine.

Eastwick

One of the biggest problems with adapting a movie starring Jack Nicholson, Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffer is that Paul Gross, Rebecca Romijn, Jaime Ray Newman and Lindsay Price are just going to pale in comparison. And the writing isn't what you'd call stellar either. Eastwick isn't the worst fall pilot, but it is just kind of this clumsy, forgettable combination of Desperate Housewives and Charmed, and I doubt I'll be impressed.

Mercy

More like- I dont give a fuck cause I'm a Grey's/ER ripoff. There is so much wrong with this I can't even fit it all in a brief blurb, but suffice it to say that this hour-long drama about how nurses care and doctors are callous idiots has a lead (Taylor Schilling) who isn't a strong enough actress to carry a show, Michelle Trachtenberg trying to emote (stay on Gossip Girl), a stereotypical Puerto Rican nurse who can spot a cop from a mile away and has a brother who's in a gang and the gall to actually have characters saying lines like, "If you want to blame somebody, blame the terrorists." Of all the new shows, this looks the absolutely worst.

Brothers

Despite a perfectly likeable cast -- Carl Weathers and CCH Pounder as parents to Darryl "Chill" Mitchell and NFL star Michael Strahan -- much of the humor in this multi-camera family sitcom revolves around wheelchair slapstick with real life paraplegic Mitchell, and the gap in Strahan's teeth. It's actually not that terrible (CCH Pounder in particular brings a lot to the table), but it's certainly not great by any means. Aside from the stabbing-the-paraplegic's-legs-with-a-fork and "You should introduce your two front teeth to each other" bad jokes, it's also a sappy "family" show and I mean that in every derogatory sense of the word.

The Cleveland Show

It's The Family Guy's blatantly racist spinoff! Oh no you di-in't, Seth MacFarlane! Horrible. There, I said it.

Trauma

More like- lets just explode things and act dramatic and people will watch. This is a show about the perilous lives of paramedics in San Francisco. We fucking get it already. The problem is it's all brawn and no brains, and the female lead is played by Anastasia Griffith, who you may or may not know as the only slightly less terrible actress than Rose Byrne on Damages. And there's this hackneyed loose cannon character who dominates the action played by Cliff Curtis (who is usually an awesome actor… just not when the script is terrible, as it turns out) that just made us roll our eyes every time he quipped and head-cocked his way through a medical emergency. But if explosions are your thing, this may tide you over until 24 returns in January. 

Hank

t's a Kelsey Grammer sitcom, which should be reason enough to hate it, but the premise (a Wall Street executive who gets canned and has to leave New York and cope with hillbillies in Virginia) mandates that most of the humor be rooted in Kelsey-Grammer-goes-slumming-and-is-disgusted jokes. Not even a supporting cast of Melinda McGraw and David Koechner could save that.

The Middle

It's like an updated, but less funny, Malcolm in the Middle starring Patricia Heaton and The Janitor from Scrubs as parents to three unruly kids in the Midwest. Even if it weren't a shameless, inferior rehash of another show (which it is), Patricia Heaton is pretty hard to like in any role. We'll be skipping this for the rest of the season.

Three Rivers

This hospital drama starring Moonlight's Alex O'Loughlin has two main problems. First of all, it's dreadfully boring. Secondly, the entire show just feels like a PSA about the noble act of organ donation. The medical team at Three Rivers are what doctors on other medical shows refer to as "vultures" -- they hover around brain-dead people and preach at their stubborn family members until they agree to donate their loved ones' organs. Then we get a heartstring-tugging follow-up, where the family meets the organ recipient and says things like, "Can I hear my daughter's heartbeat?" and we're supposed to cry, we guess, but this show is so Hallmark movie-of-the-week manipulative we just can't take it seriously. We don't need any more hospital dramas!

The winner of Big Brother Is....

Monica!!

Final Four

The final four are:

Monica

Jun

Dan

Nicole.

One will be leaving tonight, one on Thursday and the finale is next Tuesday when a winner will be declared.

Eviction and HOH

Dan and Marvin are nominees. The votes were as follows:

Janelle- Marvin

Nicole- Marvin

Monica- Marvin- 

James- Marvin

Renny- Marvin

Jun- Dan

Marvin was voted out. 

Nicole won HOH. Come back tomorrow for her nominees.