Hit/Shit List

Hit List

1. The Grammy Awards

If you don't like music, you are wasting your life. There's no better way to enjoy music through television than watching the Grammy awards. Rumor is Lady Gaga is opening with Elton John. It's the only award show the nominees actually get to showcase their talent with live performances. Grammy awards are key.

2. Caprica

While it's not nearly as good as Battlestar Galactica, it will suffice for now. It basically has everything BSG had- all of life's deepest questions mixed in with sci fi elements. Not to mention it's basically a prequel to Battlestar. We wont go so far as to say even non sci fi lovers will enjoy it like Battlestar, but since Lost is coming to an end soon and BSG is done, it's nice to have a show to fill it's void.

3. Ke$ha

We hated this chick at first when we thought SHE thought she was actually talented. But we've come to realize she is completely self aware and doesn't try to pretend to be anything other than what she is. It's respectable when a female artist says things like "don't be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where your dicks at." Even though she's basically a poor-man's Lady Gaga, we listened to this CD and love it.

4. The Song Is You by Arthur Philips

Think Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind+You've Got Mail divided by Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist and you have The Song is You. While this book isn't great, it's certainly good and clever enough to make our hit list. The story of a middle aged divorcee who lost his child at just three months old, finds meaning in life again when he meets a young up and coming singer.

5. James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl

You're never too old to go back and enjoy one of the best classic children's books ever. We just read this last week and enjoyed it more as adults than we did as kids.

6. Hope for Haiti CD

One of the best compilation CD's we've ever heard. You'd be a fool to pass up live performances of Madonna's Like A Prayer, Justin Timberlakes cover of Hallelujah and Jennifer Hudson's cover of Let It Be, just to name a few. Not to mention 100% of profits go towards Haiti.

7. Repo Men Trailer

We aren't even really sure what this is about, we just know it looks really fun. We're glad Forest Whittaker and Jude Law are making movies.

Shit List

1. Human Target

This is Fox's latest attempt at giving us a good scripted show. Apparently it's a hit, but only because it follows American Idol. It's about a guy who literally acts a shield for his clients. He protects his clients and get into faux James Bond type situations that aren't nearly as fun, or as good. While the cast is relatively decent, we wish we were watching them a different program.

2. When In Rome

We had the trailers on our shit list last week, this week the actual movie indeed, sucks a tit. Kristen Bell decides to star in this cum-dump of a romantic comedy, literally. It's about this dumb chick who has a bunch of men fawning over her for no apparent reason. Once again Kristen Bell, we loved you on V Mars, but this is just complete bullshit. We may be over you soon. This is your first strike, so next time we see you, it better be in something worth watching.

3. Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes

Holy christ somebody get this guy off our TV. We don't care how old you are. The fact that you are pushing 117 and still on TV is just disgusting. Your topics of choice each week are painful and completely mind numbing. You literally spend 5 minutes talking about rubber bands and bananas. Please don't tell us it's about respect either. The last thing anybody wants to hear is that you deserve respect just because you are old. What's respectful is knowing when your time is up and bowing out gracefully. Not to mention you interfere with our precious Amazing Race and Big Brother time on Sunday nights. Please retire.

4. Edge of Darkness

Mel Gibson thinks he's making a comeback with this cliche and over-the-top film about a guy getting revenge on his daughter's killer while in the meantime finding out said daughter's secret life. Guess what Mel. This indulgent nonsense has been done a million times. Give us something creative and unique. Not garbage like Edge of Bullshit.

5. Burn Notice

We've never really understood why people like this show. The fact that anyone believes the lead on here is a straight guy who likes women is just absurd to us. Don't get us wrong, we're all for gay people playing straight roles, but at least let them be believable. On top of it, this show is just unoriginal, stupid and boring.

6. The Cast of Jersey Shore

We need showers just posting this on here. We get it, this show is entertaining. We have no problem watching this. Our problem is with this ridiculously unaware and pretentious cast. It's people like the cast of Jersey Shore that are the absolute downfall of celebrity in our culture. Causing a stir on airplanes and in clubs, demanding more money for their second second. What a fucking joke. The Situation and Snooke=the new Heidi and Spencer. Please get over yourselves quickly Jersey Shore cast. We've already moved on.

Ten TV Shows That Need To Be Cancelled ASAP

With today's cancellation of Ugly Betty- some are thrilled, we however, are not. Not because Ugly Betty is a great show, but because there a shit ton of more shows deserving of cancellation. Here's a few.

10. Community

Chevy Chase is not funny, said it. Joel McHale is only funny on The Soup and the rest of this cast boring as fuck. The only reason we ever gave this show a chance is because it aired on Thursdays night's with Parks and Recreation, The Office and 30 Rock, but alas, Community will never come close to any of these shows we love. Please get cancelled.

Probability of being cancelled: C+. Ratings are decent and we just can't see NBC messing with the only night of television they have going for them.

9. House

We can't stand Hugh Laurie. We think his acting is completely one-note and lackluster and this show is just boring. May not be a popular opinion, but it's a very accurate one.

Probability of it being canceled: F. There is no way this show, which has a solid audience on a weekly basis and critical darling Hugh Laurie, will be cancelled any time soon.

8. Grey's Anatomy

This show is so passed it's prime it's overcooked to the point of rubber, which is unfortunate because it had a great first two seasons and a relatively decent third. But when Addison left and they got rid of Dr Hahn after promising us a Callie/Hahn love story, we just couldn't follow anymore.

Probability of it being cancelled: F. This show still brings in ratings gold, which proves audiences are seriously just as stupid as we had assumed. Grey's will likely end up as an ER- lasting about 15-20 years with entirely new cast at some point.

7. Private Practice

We were once excited about Kate Walsh getting her own show. Three (or four?) seasons in and we can't stand it. But we could never really stomach this cheesy and completely bullshit spinoff of Grey's Anatomy. We'd love to see Kate Walsh every week on our TV's, we just wish it was on a different program.

Probability of it being cancelled: B-. While this show won't be cancelled anytime soon simply because ratings are still decent, we can only hope ABC will come to it's senses and realize this show is just complete bullshit.

6. The Biggest Loser

Lets watch fat people lose weight. Yay! Christ, did anyone kill themselves watching this garbage yet? No? Oh that was just in our minds? Ok. It's no secret we loathe TBL as it's made our shit list in the past. This is quite possible the most indulgent on this list, possible on television. If you don't know what we're talking about, it's probably because you're a fan. Can we please, as a country, get over watching fat people trying to lose weight? Seriously.

Probability of it being cancelled: D-. America loves to watch fat people trying to lose weight, and that's something that's never going to change. Unfortunately, we think TBL is in it for the long haul.

5. Accidentally On Purpose

Jenna Elfman needs to leave TV forever. Plain and simple. Watching her trying to carry a show by herself is worse than watching her previous show Dharma and Greg. It blows our collective mind when shows like this continually get picked up over quality pilots that never make it to air.

Probability of it being cancelled: B. Ratings aren't that great and there has been some talk that Jenna Elfman's cum dump of a show is on the brink of cancellation. One can only hope.

4. One Tree Hill

We admit, we sort of liked this show back when it started. When it was actually about something. Since then, it's just turned into a ridiculously sappy soap opera. Daytime soaps have better acting than the cast of OTH, and that really is saying a lot. Since the CW has some pretty solid shows in Life Unexpected, Gossip Girl and The Vampire Diaries- we're thinking they need to can OTH soon and move on with some quality programming. Keeping shows like OTH are exactly why people will never take your network seriously.

Probability of it being cancelled: B-. Even though we despise this show, we do admit that it's very self-aware. While ratings on most shows decline after a few season, OTH's has only gone up, which seriously fucking blows, because it means we'll be seeing this show for a few more years, with an entirely new cast.

3. Two and a Half Men

Christ the fucking picture makes our blog die a little. It makes our souls die a little. Has there ever been two less likable leads on a TV show than Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer? We honestly can't think of any. Once again, baffling the collective mind all across the country as to why this show is still on the air. It has great ratings, we suppose, but we cant think of one single person who watches it, or ever watched it.

Probability of it being cancelled: F. This show is ratings gold for CBS, like most of the awful programming on their network.

2. The Bachelor

Season after season, desperate men and desperate women continuously act like fools on this dating show. We stopped caring years ago, but America still hasn't gotten on board.

Probability of it being cancelled: D-. Once again, ratings are fine for The Bachelor and people still talk about it. This show has been beating a dead horse for years. We're stuck with it.

1. Heroes

The reason Heroes is number one is because it's first season was seriously genius. We have never ever ever...and we mean EVER seen a show take a turn for the worse quicker and harder than Heroes. What was once a seriously interesting, fun, insightful, daring and unique program about ordinary people discovering weird super-hero like powers, has since become a circus freak-show...literally. (This season's about a circus.) The occasional bump here and there is expected out of any show, even the best have their flaws. But we've given Heroes endless chances to get their act together and they simply never have. They have never lived up to the greatness that was season 1, and they never will.

Probability of it being cancelled: B-. Execs at NBC just said they're continuing with Heroes for at least another season, so here's hoping their ratings totally tank more than they have this season. Part of the reason this show won't go away is because it has such a heavy DVR/online following, which really blows our fucking minds seeing as it totally sucks and nobody watches it when it airs.

Hit/Shit List

Hit List

1. New Episodes of the Vampire Diaries

The best drama since Lost can be found on the CW and it's called The Vampire Diaries. This show is seriously legit quality, and not just for the CW, but for any network, period. Clearly this show will never get the props it deserves for the simple fact that people are biased towards its network, but everything about this show works so well it's ridiculous. The cast is perfect, the writing is sharp and the cinematography is top-notch. This show is a well-oiled machine if there ever was one. Obvious comparisons to Twilight are no doubt expected, but this show is a million times better than junk like New Moon could ever be. Think True Blood + Dawson's Creek divided by Everwood, and you have The Vampire Diaries.

2. Skins Season 2 on DVD

Season 1 was good, but season 2 of this BBC show is seriously terrific. One of the best and most realistic "teen" drama's we've ever seen. Skins goes where no American teen dramas would even dare.

3. Sofia Vergara on Modern Family

This whole cast is perfect, but Sofia Vergara seriously deserves some Emmy love for her supporting role on the funniest comedy we've seen since The Comeback. We love everyone on here, but Sofia gets more laughs from us each week than anybody else. She's simply hilarious on here.

4. "Fire Bomb" by Rihanna

Hands down, this track on Rihanna's latest CD is the best song she's ever recorded. Not only that, but it's definitely our favorite song so far of 2010. This track paints a metaphorical picture that feels epic and is seriously great. Much respect for Rihanna if she records more songs like this. It feels like some of the best songs we've heard. We feel like we're watching a great movie, reading a great book, or just seeing an awesome video. This song does all of that for us. You can practically hear the history. "I just wanna set you on fire so I don't have to burn alone." We love it.

5. Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on the Food Network

Guy Fieri drives around the country to local diners and basically eats their food. But the food on this show just looks so fucking good we can't even take it. It's almost impossible to watch this show on an empty stomach. It's just torture if you do. Watch one episode of this and you'll see why it's the best show on the Food network.

6. Shiri Appleby on Life Unexpected

Not only is it great to have an old school WB type drama on the CW, but Shiri Appleby as the mother who gave up her daughter 16 years ago for adoption just really works for us. She was kind of fantastic and extremely dynamic in her first episode and we really can't wait to see more. She's come a long way from Roswell (thankfully) and has clearly grown as an actress. Think Lauren Graham meets Tina Fey. The ratings were solid so here's hoping Life Unexpected, along with Shiri will stick around for a while.

Shit List

1. The Tooth Fairy

This honestly looks like the worst movie ever made. The Rock as the fucking tooth fairy? Really hollywood? Why is he still making movies? This is just complete and absolute bullshit filmmaking. And please don't tell us it's for kids and that kids will enjoy it. Our response: it doesn't matter, there are plenty of great movies made for children that are quality (Up, The Princess and The Frog, Coraline) and this clearly is not one of them. If you are thinking about taking your kids to see it, don't. They will come out stupid and mindless, just like the film.

2. When In Rome Trailers

We love you Kristen Bell, but is this really where your career has taken you after Veronica Mars? If you continue to put out movies like this, you may end up on our shit list someday, which would be catastrophic seeing as your work on Veronica Mars is stellar. Please only choose roles that live up to your potential from now on. Not bullshit like this.

3. Simon Cowell leaving American Idol

So far this season has produced some of the best audition rounds of the entire series. We're actually looking forward to hearing some of the people they found, but Simon announcing that this will be his last season is a huge disappointment. Not only that, but his reasoning is that he's bringing his UK hit The X Factor to America. Why Simon? Why? This is so unnecessary. Do we really need another singing competition? You should really just stay on American Idol. Nobody really wants to see The X Factor, we already have it, it's CALLED American Idol, hello. Seriously. Bullshit move if you ask us.

4. My Life As Lis on MTV

The only thing worse than Jersey Shore and The Hills are people who think they are above watching guilty pleasure TV LIKE Jersey Shore and The Hills, which is exactly what this show aims to promote. This girl Liz pretends like she is different just for the sake of being different. Simply because she's not blonde and isn't "popular." Talk about self indulgence. Listening to "indy" music and making yourself different just for the sake of difference actually just means you are insecure. Saying things like "MTV is making me do this" is just annoying and ungrateful. Be happy you even have a show bitch. There is nothing more annoying than people who are anti mainstream just for the sake of doing so. Get this shit off my TV asap. We hate people like you Liz.

5. Mentally Incontinent by Joe Peacock

A homophobic doucebag writes about "that time I burned down a Hooters" and "that time I ended up in the hospital on my birthday." News flash Joe Peacock. You can't write and your stories really aren't anything special. Get a fucking clue.

Top 15 Lost Mysteries That Need to be Answered

 

15. What are The Whispers?

Remember when the Losties used to hear whispers back in seasons 2 and 3? It usually preceded the appearance of the others. How do they do it? Maybe season 6 will tell us the answer — in a loud, clear voice. Out theory is it was just the Losties on the island from a different time period. They were hearing themselves. 

Probability of it being answered: B (It's kind of important, but it wouldn't really change anything if it wasn't answered. In fact, many Lost fans forgot about them completely.)

14: What's Libby's backstory?

When this Tailie was killed by Michael at the end of season 2, she left behind several unanswered questions. Why did she end up in Hurley's mental institution? Was it merely coincidence that she was the one who gave Desmond his sailboat? 

Probability of it being answered: A (While many fans don't really give a shit about Libby, the writer's have recently said we absolutely will get her entire backstory and answer all her questions.)

13: What's the complete Dharma backstory?

We still haven't met the big wigs who ran the secretive utopian science enclave from afar in Ann Arbor, Michigan. And where in the world is its mysterious Danish financial backer, Alvar Hanso? And why did Pierre Chang use alternative names in the Dharma orientation films? And another thing...

Probability of it being answered: B+ (Without knowing the full backstory of Dharma, we can't really fully appreciate the full history of the island. This is something that will need to be answered in Season 6. However, fans fear the writers may have already felt justified in their explanation of Dharma in season 5.)

12: Where did The Others come from?

They speak Latin, hang out in Egyptian temples, like to dress up in the clothes of the Island visitors...that they kidnap and kill! They have been called The Island's ''indigenous'' people but who are they really?

Probability of it being answered: C- (We've had enough of the Other's already. Fans highly doubt any more time and emphasis will placed on them at this point. It's one of those mysteries that may or may not have been resolved. Some people could tell you everything about the other's, while other's just can't. We'll likely be left with a mostly vague answer.)

11: Do all the castaways have a secret connection?

The first season suggested that the castaways — complete strangers to each other prior to Oceanic 815's crash — are at the very least linked by common acquaintances or experiences. But do they share a more cosmic connection? 

Probability of it being answered: A- (Perhaps: the season 5 finale revealed that many of them had previously met — and were conspicuously touched by — Jacob. More on him in a minute.)

10: Who are Adam and Eve?

Early in season 1, Jack found a pair of male and female skeletons, dubbed ''Adam and Eve,'' near a spring of water. Fans immediately wondered if they belong to characters we know, and indeed, the producers have said that the bones are connected to season 5's time-travel story line. So: Who are they?

Probability of it being answered: B (This is one of the only questions that has a definitive answer to it. Give us 2 characters who can be Adam and Eve, and there you have it. The producers having said that the bones are connected to time travel. Personally, I'd love it if they were Rose and Bernard, not Jack and Kate. But if they say they are done with time travel and that these skeletons were connected to season 5, which is over, we're thinking we may not get an answer.)

9. What's the significance of The Numbers?

4 8 15 16 23 42. Together, they add up to 108, another recurring digit in Lost. Hurley played them to win the lottery, and the Dharma dudes used them as computer code. 

Probability of it being answered: A- (An explanation for The Numbers was provided via ''The Lost Experience,'' a 2006 online ARG (just Google the words ''Valenzetti Equation''), it's an equation that predicts the end of the world, but that explanation has never been referenced on the show itself- which is totally lame.)

8: Why are there Egyptian ruins on The Island?

At least, we presume they are Egyptian ruins. The hieroglyphics on the Temple are Egyptian, while the Four Toed Statue was recently revealed to be that of the Egyptian deity Taweret, linked to fertility, death, and evil.

Probability of it being answered: A- (Some fans speculate that the same exit point in Tunisia can also be used as an entrance point. Perhaps the Egyptians found the island through Tunisia back in the day and did whatever they did here. This will likely be answered as it holds major history of the island.)

7. Where are stewardess Cindy and the kids? 

Little Zack and his sister Emma were among The Tailies and were abducted by the Others shortly after the crash of Oceanic 815. Stewardess Cindy was taken a couple weeks later. In the third season, we learned they are living happily among the Others. But why did the Others want them in the first place? 

Probability of this being answered: D- (Having not heard their names or any mention of anything having to do with them since season 3, I think its the writer's way of telling us to forget about them.)

6. What is the Island, anyway?

When fans ask this question, what they usually want is an explanation for the Island's seemingly supernatural properties. Why is there an anomaly surrounding it that kills people or zaps them back in time? How did it heal Locke's legs? How can it be home to ghosts? How did it heal Rose's cancer? How was it used to cure Juliet's sister? Is the island a place where past and present meet? Are there two simultaneous realities happening?

Probability of it being answered: B+ (While there may be answers for some of these specific concerns, the producers have already warned fans that resolving the big question ''What is the Island?'' may be impossible.)

5: What happened to Claire? 

Aaron's mommy survived an attack on her cabin — or did she? She seemed fine, but soon after, she disappeared into the jungle with her father, Christian Shephard (also Jack's dad), who may or may not be a ghost. She's been MIA ever since.

Probability of it being answered: A (Emilie De Ravin is going to be a series regular in the final season. They can't not answer this.)

4: What was up with Walt?

We get it, one fan's mystery is another "who cares?" Anyway, Walt. Maybe psychic. Seemingly capable of  projection. Ben told Michael that his son proved to be ''more than we bargained for'' after they took him from the raft. What did that mean?

Probability of it being answered: B- (Yes, Walt was special, but really, he just doesn't seem like THAT big a deal. However, fans would like to know what was up with his psychic abilities, animals being drawn to him, and all that stuff. Plus he told Locke when he saw him in the wheelchair that he saw him on the island surrounded by people who wanted him dead. But what he really saw was the man in black IN Lockes body. So how did he see that?)

3: What is The Monster?

This is just a no brainer, fans want this answered. The end.

Probability of it being answered: A (They will definitely answer this question. Whether or not it will satisfy everyone is another mystery.)

2: Who is Jacob?

This was Top-10 material even before the season 5 finale, when Jacob was still a phantom. But after ''The Incident,'' when it was revealed that Jacob (Mark Pellegrino) was a youthful looking fortysomething, partial to fish, free will, and Flannery O'Connor, he rocketed up the charts. But he still came nowhere close to Number 1....

Probability of it being answered: A (Jacob was essential to the season 5 finale, and we've been hearing about him since as early as Season 2. He touched all our Losties at some point in their lives, which is strange and telling. We will absolutely get an answer to this one.)

1: Why doesn't Richard Alpert age?

The phrasing of the mystery is pretty much exactly how everyone articulates it. At first, one may not think this is the most important question, but when you answer this, you likely answer everything. Still, I interpret the question to mean that we want answers for the whole Alpert enigma. What's his role on the Island? How did he meet Jacob? And more importantly: Eyeliner or what?

Probability of it being answered: A (Finding out why Richard doesn't age will ultimately tell us much more about the island. Plus rumor has it we're getting a Richard-centric episode titled "Ab Aeterno" which means...surprise..."since the beginning of time." )

Any other questions you want answered that didn't make the list?

Hit List/Shit List

Hit List

1. Team Conan

You know what?Fuck NBC and their bully Jay Leno. We've always liked Conan and if NBC doesn't want him, another network coughFOXcough should grab him. L@G 100% supports Conan. Leno can go fuck himself.

2. "The Wolfman" Trailer

No seriously, watch the full trailer before you judge. This looks legitimately creepy, toned, and above all else, good. We can't decide if Anthony Hopkins or the wolfman is more scary to look at. Plus more work for Benicio Del Toro means better movies will be made.

3. Eating The Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman

We've read better nonfiction, but nobody else turns such ridiculous topics like time travel, Abba and Pepsi into full blown contemporary and relevant essays. If this guy can get away with making a career on writing about ordinary bullshit, why can't anyone?

4. Rihanna- Rated R

We know what it feels like to despise all things Rihanna. That fucking ridiculous accent that makes her sound so god damn stupid, her whiny voice...her forehead. But this CD is REALLLLY good. It makes us kind of get her, finally...but only kind of. We know, this CD's been out for almost two months, but it's definitely not too late to listen to what may be the best pop CD of last year, and certainly the best record Rihanna's ever released.  Key tracks are Fire Bomb and Te Amo.

5. Lost Season 5 on DVD

Before the final season starts in just TWO WEEKS HOLY SHIT!!! you should really catch up on the most mind fuck of a season this series has produced yet. Relive Sayid shooting Ben, Juliet blowing up a fucking bomb and possibly an island, everyone time traveling, and most importantly, two fucking Lockes HOLY SHIT!!!

6. Lady Antebellum- Need You Now 

Who the tit is Lady Antebellum you are wondering? Listen to this song and find out asap. The best group to come out of country music in years. This first single off their 2nd CD is seriously touching, honest, catchy and really fucking good. "I'm a little drunk and I need you now." Songs like this are why we'll continue defending country music. 

7. Project Runway's Return

All the regular judges are back, they're back in New York, Heidi is magically back to being pregnant, so here's hoping this new season is a return back to when this show was on Bravo. 

 

8. Lost Season 6 Spanish Promo

Possibly the best and most revealing and intriguing promo this show has ever decided to air. Why it's not airing in the States? Who fucking cares. You can watch it right here. 

Shit List

1. Leno and NBC

Yea, we just bashed them up top, but there's no way this pair is getting away with not being at the very top of our shit list this week. Leno is like a has been wannabe quarterback trying to bully his way back onto the team after he decided to leave. We never liked you Leno. Hopefully this sinking ship of a network will keep you around just so America can watch you sink with it. 

2. Sarah Palin on Fox

This twat is going to be a correspondent for the most archaic news network in the history of broadcasting. We'd really love to know how she'll be able to show an unbiased no-spin look on anything remotely relevant...oh wait this is Fox News. Maybe she'll quit early like the rest of her jobs.

3. Carnie Wilson Unstapled

There's obviously nothing wrong with trying to lose weight if you're Carnie Wilson. But do we really need an entire reality series about why your stapled stomach didn't work? We'll tell you why, cause you fucking ate too much. Seriously though, you aren't even that big. Be happy with your size Carnie...or fucking exercise. Nobody cares. 

4. Heidi's Addiction to Plastic Surgery

This bitch is just totally fucked. Twenty three years old and she had ten surgeries in one day. All that is wrong with teenage girls is personified in this trainwreck. Flash-forward to about 2030 and here's what you'll look like. (see below)

5. The Spy Next Door

Jackie Chan is the worst thing about the movie industry, period. If  you like his movies, you are a fucking moron with awful taste in everything. Know this. 

6. The Final Destination on DVD

Really? This needs to exist? Sigh.

7. Legion Trailer

We love movies LIKE this, but this just looks dreadful. We understand the initial curiosity it may spark, but hopefully when you really look into this trailer, you will realize how awful it will likely be.