After watching previews for the new fall TV shows. I've decided to take it upon myself to guide your viewing. The following are the worst of the bunch. The best are coming soon.
Melrose Place (Premieres September 8 on The CW)
The remake nobody wanted is upon us, and it indeed looks terrible. First of all, aside from the awful, junior-league writing and community theater-level acting (Ashlee Simpson plays a secret villain!), it has one of those "hip" soundtracks that The CW loves to slap on its shows, turning them into jukebox power hours with Top 40 hit after Top 40 hit after slightly popular indie gem swapping over the actors speaking literally every 90 seconds. One Tree Hill anyone?
The remake nobody wanted is upon us, and it indeed looks terrible. First of all, aside from the awful, junior-league writing and community theater-level acting (Ashlee Simpson plays a secret villain!), it has one of those "hip" soundtracks that The CW loves to slap on its shows, turning them into jukebox power hours with Top 40 hit after Top 40 hit after slightly popular indie gem swapping over the actors speaking literally every 90 seconds. One Tree Hill anyone?
The Vampire Diaries (Premieres September 10 on The CW)
Part of my reasons for panning The Vampire Diaries is just vampire story fatigue, to be honest, and while it is kind of deliciously fun to watch Ian Somerhalder (Lost's Boone) play a cocky, evil vampire, this teen show doesn't really add anything new to the Twilight/True Blood table (though, to be fair, The Vampire Diaries novels predate both of those. But whatever, I just can't get excited about another vampire thing.
Part of my reasons for panning The Vampire Diaries is just vampire story fatigue, to be honest, and while it is kind of deliciously fun to watch Ian Somerhalder (Lost's Boone) play a cocky, evil vampire, this teen show doesn't really add anything new to the Twilight/True Blood table (though, to be fair, The Vampire Diaries novels predate both of those. But whatever, I just can't get excited about another vampire thing.
Accidentally on Purpose (Premieres September 21 on CBS)
It stars Jenna Elfman, who sucks a fat one, nuff said. I predict looooots of cougar jokes in this sitcom about a 37-year-old film critic (Jenna Elfman) who has unprotected sex with a man in his twenties because she's subconsciously baby crazy and gets knocked up. Aside from that bang-up premise, the writing is painfully unoriginal and Elfman is goofy as ever, and though the guy who plays her much younger baby daddy actually seems to have potential, the writing isn't going to give him an opportunity to really shine. This works about as well as you'd imagine, which I hope, for your sake, is awful.
It stars Jenna Elfman, who sucks a fat one, nuff said. I predict looooots of cougar jokes in this sitcom about a 37-year-old film critic (Jenna Elfman) who has unprotected sex with a man in his twenties because she's subconsciously baby crazy and gets knocked up. Aside from that bang-up premise, the writing is painfully unoriginal and Elfman is goofy as ever, and though the guy who plays her much younger baby daddy actually seems to have potential, the writing isn't going to give him an opportunity to really shine. This works about as well as you'd imagine, which I hope, for your sake, is awful.
Eastwick (Premieres September 23 on ABC)
One of the biggest problems with adapting a movie starring Jack Nicholson, Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffer is that Paul Gross, Rebecca Romijn, Jaime Ray Newman and Lindsay Price are just going to pale in comparison. And the writing isn't what you'd call stellar either. Will not be impressed.
Mercy (Premieres September 23 on NBC)
ANOTHER hospital show. It's a wonder actors even sign on for these shows. There is so much wrong with this tripe we can't even fit it all in a brief blurb, but suffice it to say that this hour-long drama about how nurses care and doctors are callous idiots has a lead (Taylor Schilling) who isn't a strong enough actress to carry a show, Michelle Trachtenberg trying to emote, a stereotypical Puerto Rican nurse who can spot a cop from a mile away and has a brother who's in a gang and the gall to actually have characters saying lines like, "If you want to blame somebody, blame the terrorists." This just looks ridiculously awful.
ANOTHER hospital show. It's a wonder actors even sign on for these shows. There is so much wrong with this tripe we can't even fit it all in a brief blurb, but suffice it to say that this hour-long drama about how nurses care and doctors are callous idiots has a lead (Taylor Schilling) who isn't a strong enough actress to carry a show, Michelle Trachtenberg trying to emote, a stereotypical Puerto Rican nurse who can spot a cop from a mile away and has a brother who's in a gang and the gall to actually have characters saying lines like, "If you want to blame somebody, blame the terrorists." This just looks ridiculously awful.
Brothers (Premieres September 25 on Fox)
Despite a perfectly likeable cast -- Carl Weathers and CCH Pounder as parents to Darryl "Chill" Mitchell and NFL star Michael Strahan -- much of the humor in this multi-camera family sitcom revolves around wheelchair slapstick with real life paraplegic Mitchell, and the gap in Strahan's teeth. It's actually doesn't look that terrible (CCH Pounder in particular brings a lot to the table), but it's certainly not great by any means. Aside from the stabbing-the-paraplegic's-legs-with-a-fork and "You should introduce your two front teeth to each other" bad jokes, it's also a sappy "family" show and we mean that in every derogatory sense of the word.
Despite a perfectly likeable cast -- Carl Weathers and CCH Pounder as parents to Darryl "Chill" Mitchell and NFL star Michael Strahan -- much of the humor in this multi-camera family sitcom revolves around wheelchair slapstick with real life paraplegic Mitchell, and the gap in Strahan's teeth. It's actually doesn't look that terrible (CCH Pounder in particular brings a lot to the table), but it's certainly not great by any means. Aside from the stabbing-the-paraplegic's-legs-with-a-fork and "You should introduce your two front teeth to each other" bad jokes, it's also a sappy "family" show and we mean that in every derogatory sense of the word.
The Cleveland Show (Premieres September 27 on Fox)
It's The Family Guy's blatantly racist spinoff! Oh no you di-in't, Seth MacFarlane! Horrible.
It's The Family Guy's blatantly racist spinoff! Oh no you di-in't, Seth MacFarlane! Horrible.
Trauma (Premieres September 28 on NBC)
This show about the perilous lives of paramedics in San Francisco is not without its merits. First of all, it has about 12 explosions per minute, and we are not about to disapprove of explosions. The problem is it's all brawn and no brains, and the female lead is played by Anastasia Griffith, who you may or may not know as the only slightly less terrible actress than Rose Byrne on Damages. And there's this hackneyed loose cannon character who dominates the action played by Cliff Curtis (who is usually an awesome actor… just not when the script is terrible, as it turns out) that just made me roll my eyes every time he quipped and head-cocked his way through a medical emergency. But if explosions are your thing, this may tide you over until 24 returns in January.
This show about the perilous lives of paramedics in San Francisco is not without its merits. First of all, it has about 12 explosions per minute, and we are not about to disapprove of explosions. The problem is it's all brawn and no brains, and the female lead is played by Anastasia Griffith, who you may or may not know as the only slightly less terrible actress than Rose Byrne on Damages. And there's this hackneyed loose cannon character who dominates the action played by Cliff Curtis (who is usually an awesome actor… just not when the script is terrible, as it turns out) that just made me roll my eyes every time he quipped and head-cocked his way through a medical emergency. But if explosions are your thing, this may tide you over until 24 returns in January.
Hank (Premieres September 30 on ABC)
It's a Kelsey Grammer sitcom, which should be reason enough to hate it, but the premise (a Wall Street executive who gets canned and has to leave New York and cope with hillbillies in Virginia) mandates that most of the humor be rooted in Kelsey-Grammer-goes-slumming-and-is-disgusted jokes. Not even a supporting cast of Melinda McGraw and David Koechner could save that.
It's a Kelsey Grammer sitcom, which should be reason enough to hate it, but the premise (a Wall Street executive who gets canned and has to leave New York and cope with hillbillies in Virginia) mandates that most of the humor be rooted in Kelsey-Grammer-goes-slumming-and-is-disgusted jokes. Not even a supporting cast of Melinda McGraw and David Koechner could save that.
The Middle (Premieres September 30 on ABC)
It's like an updated, but less funny, Malcolm in the Middle starring Patricia Heaton and The Janitor from Scrubs as parents to three unruly kids in the Midwest. Even if it weren't a shameless, inferior rehash of another show (which it is), Patricia Heaton is pretty hard to like in any role. We'll be skipping this for the rest of the season.
It's like an updated, but less funny, Malcolm in the Middle starring Patricia Heaton and The Janitor from Scrubs as parents to three unruly kids in the Midwest. Even if it weren't a shameless, inferior rehash of another show (which it is), Patricia Heaton is pretty hard to like in any role. We'll be skipping this for the rest of the season.
Three Rivers (Premieres October 4 on CBS)
This hospital drama starring Moonlight's Alex O'Loughlin has two main problems. First of all, it looks dreadfully boring. Secondly, the entire show just looks like a PSA about the noble act of organ donation. The medical team at Three Rivers are what doctors on other medical shows refer to as "vultures" -- they hover around brain-dead people and preach at their stubborn family members until they agree to donate their loved ones' organs. Then we get a heartstring-tugging follow-up, where the family meets the organ recipient and says things like, "Can I hear my daughter's heartbeat?" and we're supposed to cry, we guess, but this show is so Hallmark movie-of-the-week manipulative we just can't take it seriously.
This hospital drama starring Moonlight's Alex O'Loughlin has two main problems. First of all, it looks dreadfully boring. Secondly, the entire show just looks like a PSA about the noble act of organ donation. The medical team at Three Rivers are what doctors on other medical shows refer to as "vultures" -- they hover around brain-dead people and preach at their stubborn family members until they agree to donate their loved ones' organs. Then we get a heartstring-tugging follow-up, where the family meets the organ recipient and says things like, "Can I hear my daughter's heartbeat?" and we're supposed to cry, we guess, but this show is so Hallmark movie-of-the-week manipulative we just can't take it seriously.
No comments:
Post a Comment